By Amanda Winters
For Narrative Journalism

Remy Roskin always knew she was queer. It was never a big revelation that warranted an elaborate announcement. She knew she was queer when she found girls pretty. She knew she was queer when she wasn’t attracted to men. She knew she was queer even when her parents told her it was just a phase. 

“It slowly became more and more a big part of my life,” Roskin explained. “And I’ve enjoyed that.” As songwriter and frontman of Boston-based band REMY, Roskin uses music and lyrics to express themes of queer identity along with her own lived experiences. Between entering her first serious relationship with another woman and navigating the tumultuous relationship with her parents, Roskin’s queerness remains a large factor in her life, and subsequently bleeds into her art. 

Roskin’s relationship with her parents had always been complicated in regards to her sexuality. Roskin wasn’t officially out to her parents–but she had been dropping hints for years. They supported gay people in principle, but when it came to their own daughter, their feelings differed. “It’s okay to be gay, they’d say, but you’re not gay right?” Roskin recalled. Her queerness wasn’t something she wanted to hide, but it wasn’t something she blatantly expressed around her parents.

Much to her parents’ chagrin, Roskin casually dated women throughout high school. She would avoid her mother’s incessant queries about boys or taking a male friend to homecoming. She longed to tell her mother that she would rather take a girl. She wanted to say, “No, Mom, I don’t want to go with a male friend. I want to go with a girl that I like.

When Roskin did eventually start dating girls, she would tell her mother she was visiting a “friend’s” house. When her parents found out she was dating her “friend”, they continued to deny it, believing in the classic narrative that Roskin’s queerness was “just a phase,” Roskin said.

On the outside, Roskin maintained a cold, uncaring attitude towards her parents’ lack of support. But deep down, she just wanted to be able to bring a girl home and experience the warm, fuzzy feelings that come with acceptance and support. Due to incessant denial of Roskin’s implied queerness, her relationship with her parents, especially her mother, continues to be strained. 

When Roskin came to Boston to study at Berklee College of Music, she felt more freedom to explore different aspects of her queerness. Though she was still under the grip of her parents' quiet disapproval, the physical distance earned her freedom of expression. She dyed her hair, cut her nails short, got more piercings and tattoos, slit her eyebrow, and began to dress the way she wanted. She actively consumed more queer media and experimented with different traditionally queer styles. She did not want to hide who she was; Remy Roskin knew she was queer and wanted every lesbian in Boston to know. 

Last fall, Roskin met Grace Dore at a Berklee party. Dore had little to no intention of attending the party that night, ultimately deciding five minutes before she left to put on clothes and see what the party was about. Dore, the only girl from Northeastern in attendance, and Roskin, who said she’s not much of a party person, both found themselves alone in the corner that night. 

Roskin approached Dore and complimented her dress, making Dore more comfortable in her last minute decision to attend. The two naturally started talking and though others joined in on occasion, the conversation between the pair carried itself through the night. At one point, Dore slyly mentioned that no one could ever tell that she was gay. Roskin didn’t waste much time before asking Dore out.

Their first date was out of a movie. Dore thought meticulously about what to wear, but settled on something casual. “Remy, on the other hand, wore this beautiful green dress,” Dore recalled. “I thought to myself, ‘I’m the one that's underdressed? Unfair.’” 

The two got boba and sat to watch the sunset together. Dore recalls seeing a heart-shaped cloud in the sky. While enjoying each other's company, the pair got caught in the rain, but it was the cute rain where the sun was still shining and the drizzle was light and manageable. 

One month into her relationship with Dore, Roskin realized what the natural next step for them was; Dore was her first serious girlfriend; she knew she would eventually have to tell her parents about their relationship and introduce her to them. She wanted to feel excited about having her first serious girlfriend and being able to show her off. Yet, she felt reluctant and unsure. As the holiday season swiftly approached, Roskin grappled with the decision of whether or not to go home to her parents and whether or not Dore would be joining her. 

Although Roskin had become increasingly more comfortable expressing her sexuality, her parents’ views remained stagnant. Consequently, she felt reluctant to initiate a conversation with her parents. “As I get older and mature, I feel like we're growing further and further away from being able to have an effective conversation.”

Roskin had not been on speaking terms with her mother since August of that year, following a large fight when her parents came to visit Boston. During a phone call with her father, Roskin told him, “I’m not coming home if we’re not speaking. It’s ridiculous.” 

Coupled with reluctance to share her relationship with her parents, Roskin made the ultimate decision not to go home for the holidays for the first time. Despite Roskin’s initial worries, Dore, having dealt with her own parental struggles, was very understanding and supportive of Roskin’s choice. 

“I feel bad hiding her,” Roskin lamented. “I’m just not ready to try and have that conversation with them. Everything is like a personal attack.” 

Roskin still wanted Dore to know that she was not ashamed of their relationship. While watching Happiest Season, a Christmas movie featuring a lesbian couple as the main characters, Roskin was inspired by a fight scene where one accuses the other of hiding her. Recognizing the potential for a new song, Roskin immediately came up with the refrain line, “I don't want to hide her.”

Roskin immediately got to work on the song. She wanted to capture an experience all too common for many queer couples. She wanted to convey a pointed message towards her parents. She wanted them to know she had a girlfriend and did not want to hide her, and fuck them for making her feel like she had to. Years of exhaustion and hurt from having to suppress her queer expression around her parents and yearning to be accepted and validated began to bubble over.

The song’s first verse details Roskin’s high school experience of dating female “friends” while keeping the relationship semi-hidden from her parents. The second verse, which Roskin has rewritten and struggled with on multiple occasions, focuses on her relationship with Dore and how it has helped her become more open with her love and affection for women. 

When deciding between the line, “I don't want to hide you” or “I don't want to hide her,” Roskin consulted Dore. Dore believed if Roskin used the word “you” instead of “her”, she would still be hiding her.

It is not a love song. It’s “more of a message to my parents and to society,” Roskin explained. Throughout the writing process, it morphed into an open letter on the treatment of queer relationships and the experience of being forced to hide. “I don’t want to hide her,” the refrain line goes. “But you make me feel like I have to.”

A work in progress for several months now, the song is close to completion–but not there yet, Roskin says.

Flooded with support from her bandmates and Dore, Roskin admitted she’s still struggling to finish the song. Some of this reluctance can be attributed to fears over her parents' hearing the song, which not only reveals the relationship to them but directs years of pent-up frustration towards them. 

Though Roskin has not formally announced her relationship with Dore to her parents, she has mentioned it to her father, who she speaks with occasionally. “My father actually showed a picture of Grace to my mother,” Roskin shared. However, much like high school, it is unclear if her mother understood Dore to be her girlfriend or “girl friend”. 

She is finally in her first serious relationship with a girl, and she does not want to hide her.

REMY practicing refrain during band rehearsal in December 2022.